Okay, I'm the worst blogger ever. I'm not consistent, regular, I miss many opportunities to write. I don't even remember if my last blog left you on a cliffhanger. If it did, I want you to know I'm okay. I'm on my couch, drinking beer, watching T.V. My comedian buddy Rodney Ramsey said "This blog is a great idea. But like any blog, you got to make sure you write it all the time, whether you feel like it or not." I think he said that a month ago. For me, blogging is like going to the gym. I really like it once I get there. When I leave, I think "I'm definitely going back tomorrow." Then, I don't go for 3 weeks. I'm no creature of habit.
Tonight, I'm not even performing. I'm sitting at home, watching "Dice-Undisputed." It's past 2:00am and nothing's on TV. Suddenly, I remember I have "Dice-Undisputed" on my DVR. It may not be as popular as "Glee" or as scandalous as "Melrose Place"(please don't cancel "Melrose Place,") but I can't help but be intrigued by any show having to do with stand up comdey. My boyfriend walk's in the room, with his Stouffers Thai Ginger Beef microwaved dinner.
"Who's this guy?" He asks. That's the best part about dating a younger man. He doesn't know who Andrew Dice Clay is.
"He's a dirty comic from the 80's. He actually used to be quite famous."
Ewwwwwwww. Did I just defend Andrew Dice Clay? I didn't mean to. I was just trying to justify the shows I plug into the PVR.
"Okay, Cutie. Don't rot your brain with this stuff," he says, as he leaves the room. I'm sure my boyfriend isn't the only person Dice has walked in the last 20 years.
I continue to watch the show. As a partially working comic, I need to know which comics are getting their own TV shows. Are they funny? Am I funnier? Do they have better connections than me? Probably. But I'm well known at the Keg. In this particular episode, Dice is going to Boston, to do a live show. He's determined to crush. The show comes back from commercial. The letters "IFC" pop up in the top right hand corner of the TV. Don't brag about airing a show unless you think it's good, IFC. Then, on the top left corner, it says, "Coming Up Next: Dead at 17." Enough said.
Wow. I wouldn't want to play "Count the beeps on this show." Swearing isn't funny. Swearing has it's place in life for sure, but it's not here, on this show. Swearing is appropriate when you get to the Beer Store two minutes after it closes. Swearing is appropriate when you stub your toe, or get naked and realize you're out of condoms. Swearing is NOT so entertaining, when an old comic from the 80's and his three buddies are pinballing between each other during a reality show.
There's another commercial break. I'm not even fast forwarding the commercials anymore. I'm actually trying to remember what other F words sound like. What companies are airing their ads during this show? Cuz these are not companies I'm buying anything from.
We're back. Dice has entered the building of his big show. Artie Lang is going to bring him up. I should wake up my boyfriend and see if he knows who Artie Lang is. I wonder if my boyfriend knows who Bob Hope is? I hope so. I love Bob Hope. I don't care if it makes me sound 60.
Oh no. Dice is getting heckled. Dice is dropping F Bombs, the heckler is dropping F Bombs. I have no idea what is going right now. Oh shit. The show just ended. That was it? He goes to Boston, does a show, says the F word a 1oo times, gets heckled and leaves? Did the Producer lose funding half way through the show? I'm confused. Is this a series or was this a one time special, shot by the director of the Hills? It's not clear. What a waste of time. I could have been writing jokes for the last hour. Or writing a blog... Oh, ya. I just did.
xoxo
comedian girl.
ps I know I'm a Vegetarian, but I still hang out at the Keg.
pps The commercials I saw during this show were for Mr. Clean, Ancestry.ca, Always Infinity, Gilette, Febreze, Ram Trucks, eHarmony and Duracell. I don't know what "Clean freak, family loving, menstrating, hairy, ordor-phobic, off teraining, soulmate searching, vibrator users were watching this show tonight, but I have a feeling these companies missed their target audience by a long shot.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Okay, so I know I haven't blogged in a while, but to be fair, that night I was preluding to in the last blog was so tragic I had to get really drunk to blog again. I even mis-typed my login name when signing in. I'm hammered, eating pizza by the slice, listening to an "On-the-go" mix I made for the gym... another place I haven't been recently.
That night... that show... I knew I didn't want to do it. And I know some of you have read that creepy book "The Secret," but I haven't. Even if I had, I'm still sure that show would have gone the way it did. As usual, I take public transportation there. I check into the street car on "FourSquare." The points I get by doing so, might be the highlight of my night. On the way there, I get a text saying "We're running ahead of schedule-you're going on earlier." Great. Just what every comic wants to hear. Everybody's still sober.
I walk in the bar. It's my first time at this venue, and secretly I hope my name is not on the list. Nope. My name's on the list. And they've made me a name tag to wear around my neck. I immediately hit the bar and buy something bottled. I see another regular from my work.
"Hey! I hear you're doing comedy here tonight! Can't wait!"
I'm not going to lie. I don't know his name, but I know what beer he likes to drink, as well as his favourite menu item. I force some enthusiasm, and shove the neck of the bottled beer safely into my mouth. Then the regular that booked me for the show spots me.
"Hey, there you are! You're on next!"
Next? I've been here for two minutes. Thanks for the warning. I follow him back stage. He introduces me to the host, who has clearly ignored the intro I gave him, and downloaded something word for word off the internet.
"Now, remember to keep it clean," he says.
"What? I was going to do all blow job jokes." I say. Everybody back stage laughs. This is the best laugh I will get all night.
As I stand off to the side of the stage, I watch the host.
"And now it's time for the comedy portion of the night!"
As he says that, every kid in the room runs to the front of the stage and sits cross legged. They are excited. I think they mistook me for a clown. They're highlights. I'm no Carrot Top. I take the stage. I hope I can dig myself out of this...
I do the traditional thing of asking the crowd how they're doing. They seem to sound okay. The children are excited... for now. I start to hear noise behind me. It's the band.
"Oh, don't mind us. We're just going to do our sound check while you're on stage," a bandmate says. Ummm, excuse me? You're just going to fiddle your guitar while I'm in the middle of my act? It's bad enough I have to curb my act for the elementary school that's just plopped itself in front of my stage, but now I have to speak over instruments? How am I supposed to make fun of the Leafs like this?
And I did. I had no choice. Every time I was half way through doing a joke, I heard the bass, the guitarist, or even worse, the drummer. No comedian wants to hear "Ba-dum-sshhhhhh!" after a joke.
Two minutes into my set, I adandon my act, thinking, "I'd rather eat shit talking to the ten year olds, rather than eat shit with my actual act." At one point, I believe the kids are digging me, but that was probably just good old fashion comedian's delusionalism, keeping my ego in tact. I leave the stage, at least five minutes before I had to. I make no eye contact with anyone. I head staight back to the bar.
Sometimes its hard to get a drink in a bar. You know the feeling, "Am I invisible to the bartender?" Not tonight. She saw me, and came dashing over.
"Steam Whistle please." I say. She turns away and grabs the beer. As she pops it open, she shakes her head, and says, "Tough crowd." Oh great. Just when I thought the people in the back of the room weren't listening, it turns out they were.
"Well, I didn't do what I normally do. I couldn't. There was kids here." Oh God. Does that sound like an excuse? It's not. I really did NOT do my act. Do children even know what a vibrator is? Hopefully not.
"Sure... Six dollars."
So, I ate shit, and paid full price for beers. The kicker? The regular from my work who made me do this show, was in the band that followed me. The second number they did was a cover of "Who Let The Dogs Out." And sadly, that got a better response than me.
xoxo
comedian girl
That night... that show... I knew I didn't want to do it. And I know some of you have read that creepy book "The Secret," but I haven't. Even if I had, I'm still sure that show would have gone the way it did. As usual, I take public transportation there. I check into the street car on "FourSquare." The points I get by doing so, might be the highlight of my night. On the way there, I get a text saying "We're running ahead of schedule-you're going on earlier." Great. Just what every comic wants to hear. Everybody's still sober.
I walk in the bar. It's my first time at this venue, and secretly I hope my name is not on the list. Nope. My name's on the list. And they've made me a name tag to wear around my neck. I immediately hit the bar and buy something bottled. I see another regular from my work.
"Hey! I hear you're doing comedy here tonight! Can't wait!"
I'm not going to lie. I don't know his name, but I know what beer he likes to drink, as well as his favourite menu item. I force some enthusiasm, and shove the neck of the bottled beer safely into my mouth. Then the regular that booked me for the show spots me.
"Hey, there you are! You're on next!"
Next? I've been here for two minutes. Thanks for the warning. I follow him back stage. He introduces me to the host, who has clearly ignored the intro I gave him, and downloaded something word for word off the internet.
"Now, remember to keep it clean," he says.
"What? I was going to do all blow job jokes." I say. Everybody back stage laughs. This is the best laugh I will get all night.
As I stand off to the side of the stage, I watch the host.
"And now it's time for the comedy portion of the night!"
As he says that, every kid in the room runs to the front of the stage and sits cross legged. They are excited. I think they mistook me for a clown. They're highlights. I'm no Carrot Top. I take the stage. I hope I can dig myself out of this...
I do the traditional thing of asking the crowd how they're doing. They seem to sound okay. The children are excited... for now. I start to hear noise behind me. It's the band.
"Oh, don't mind us. We're just going to do our sound check while you're on stage," a bandmate says. Ummm, excuse me? You're just going to fiddle your guitar while I'm in the middle of my act? It's bad enough I have to curb my act for the elementary school that's just plopped itself in front of my stage, but now I have to speak over instruments? How am I supposed to make fun of the Leafs like this?
And I did. I had no choice. Every time I was half way through doing a joke, I heard the bass, the guitarist, or even worse, the drummer. No comedian wants to hear "Ba-dum-sshhhhhh!" after a joke.
Two minutes into my set, I adandon my act, thinking, "I'd rather eat shit talking to the ten year olds, rather than eat shit with my actual act." At one point, I believe the kids are digging me, but that was probably just good old fashion comedian's delusionalism, keeping my ego in tact. I leave the stage, at least five minutes before I had to. I make no eye contact with anyone. I head staight back to the bar.
Sometimes its hard to get a drink in a bar. You know the feeling, "Am I invisible to the bartender?" Not tonight. She saw me, and came dashing over.
"Steam Whistle please." I say. She turns away and grabs the beer. As she pops it open, she shakes her head, and says, "Tough crowd." Oh great. Just when I thought the people in the back of the room weren't listening, it turns out they were.
"Well, I didn't do what I normally do. I couldn't. There was kids here." Oh God. Does that sound like an excuse? It's not. I really did NOT do my act. Do children even know what a vibrator is? Hopefully not.
"Sure... Six dollars."
So, I ate shit, and paid full price for beers. The kicker? The regular from my work who made me do this show, was in the band that followed me. The second number they did was a cover of "Who Let The Dogs Out." And sadly, that got a better response than me.
xoxo
comedian girl
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